Death Eater Paradise!
by The Quoi
Summary: Here for posterity. Looketh not.
1. The afterlife and the beach set

_A\N: This is a little one shot about the afterlife for the Death Eaters, because they were such a different evil that they couldn't be placed in hell, and certainly not heaven. So, without further ado, welcome to Death Eater Paradise! _

Voldemort fell to the ground with a painful thud. Moaning he opened his eyes.  
Around him was a cheesy beach set that low budget movie makers would use. Except this one was huge. He let out a scream, shutting his eyes in horror, blocking out the evil shitty looking muggle movie sets. He began to rock back and forth on his haunches, thinking of happy thoughts, like digital movie effects, making the movie rock.  
Then there was a slight pressure on his shoulder. He opened his eyes and looked wearily above him.  
Standing there, holding a martini glass was Bellatrix Lestrange. She wore a sexy black bikini with bunny ears on for the hell of it.  
(_A\N: Who wears bunny ears to the beach? _Oo)   
Fluttering cutely behind her shoulder blades were two white, unattached wings that looked very cheesy, but still, like I say, cute. Voldemort stared. Bella smiled.

"Welcome to Death Eater Paradise, my Lord!" Her voice was cheery. He looked down and realized he was in the "water", so he stood and made his way to the "beach".  
Running along the "shore" were beach chairs and other Ocean-paraphernalia. Sitting on the chairs were his Death Eaters, "tanning". He screamed in horror again.  
This was going to be a long afterlife. 


	2. The Whore and the Daisies

_A/N: ZOMG this is becoming MORE THEN A ONE SHOT!!! YAYS!! Let's all do a dance!  
starts dancing is all alone doing a retarded dance that is a cross between the tango and the chicken walk Fine then! Be party poopers! everyone stares  
AHERM…. shifty eyes Yeaaaah, just start the story before I hurt myself…_

"Why can't we have more then a crappy beach set?" whined Voldemort, who was currently making himself comfortable on a crappy beach chair on the crappy movie set in a crappy and cheesy looking pair of swim trunks. He was being served shots by Bellatrix, who, seeing her beloved Lord in less then robes, was having mini-orgasms every time he took a drink from her. The rest of the Death Eatas' were watching in amusement.  
But suddenly, as Moldy-Shorts complained, the set changed; oh noes!  
And they were left sitting on a stretch of blank canvas, the kind of set they use in those east link commercials with the cute little bunnies & shit.  
The Death Eaters, Voldemort included, were currently having a "WTF" moment when Bellatrix began to take off her clothes and run in a circle yelling "SQUEEEEE!!!!" at the top of her lungs. Everyone else joined in.

After much "SQUEEEEE-ing" and stripping, they all sat down and wondered what the hell they should do. Then Voldemort had a wonderful plan.

"I know!" he exclaimed happily, "lets all stab each other! WE CAN'T DIE! MUAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!" As Voldemort did his crappy evil laugh that sounded more like a cat in heat, the sky randomly turned dark and scary, shitty coloured lightning appeared. Voldemort paused mid laugh. Then did it again. He giggled.

"My Lord! It would seem to me that we can change the set whenever we want to!" Exclaimed Bella happily, feeling wonderful that she should relay this lovely piece of information to her beloved, orgasmic, testacular Lord.  
"Of course we can't Bella! That's foolish! How foolish of you Bella!" Yelled Voldy, angry that one of his already stupid Death Eaters would make such a dumb conclusion. "Wait!" he exclaimed suddenly, "I know! The set turns to whatever we want it!" He did his cat-in-heat evil laughter again. The same, crappy lightening appeared.

"But my lord…" said Bella, rather hurt, "I believe I said that not moments ago…"   
Voldemort turned to her.  
"Shut up, whore. You sleep with everybody. Just shut up you goddamn whore, GOD!"  
Poor Bellatrix was left rather hurt as her lord skipped off into the now daisy-filled distance.

_Yay for non funny humour! XD You know you wanna push that little bluish button…come on….review…you know you wanna…_**if you do not push that button, I will come, watch you sleep, eat, pee and shower then devour your soul and eat your body for supper. glare I love you. 3**__


	3. The Morning BEFORE the sex

_A\N: This chapter was thought up by two brains this time; mine and Silvercatclaws.  
Thanks you, my dear friend, for refreshing my limited reservoir of ideas! 3_

Voldemort hummed a rather happy tune as he sat in the long daisy-filled grass. Underneath a lovely oak tree that gave him shade from the golden and hot summer sun. The tune went something like:  
_Oh, oh, oh,  
Woke up today,  
Feeling the way that I always do,  
Oh, oh, oh  
Pulling me out to the smiles and  
streets that I love..._

But of course, being his Evilness, he did a very disastrous deed and altered the lyrics in the chorus slightly, causing the song to sound crudely like this:

_Good morning Voldemooooort,  
Every day is a new fat whore  
Every nights an ugly bloody mass  
Every sound is like it came from the ass..._

Though, no matter how lovely the song had become since his Kitty-Eating-Lordship changed it, Bellatrix, the psycho evil killer, could not stomach it. Unlike the other Death Eaters and Voldemort himself, SHE'D realised that they were, in fact, _dead,_ and that they could not, in fact, _die. _This gave her great confidence, since her Lord could not kill her if she did something he didn't like. She also realised, unlike her fellows that this "Set", _really can_ change to anything she wanted. This also benefited her master plan. We'll call it "Plan Siskaboom", for literary purposes.

She slowly made her way over to the tree where his Lordship continued to defile happy songs, and sat daintily as she could next to him. He kept right on singing. This, she though, would test her theory.  
She scrunched up her eyes, and muttered "_I wish Voldemort was handsome" _under her breath. She noted, her eyes still scrunched up, that the singing had stopped. Slowly she opened her eyes.  
Then she nearly fainted.

Aw, screw the proper writing.

Let's try this...

And then she let out a scream that sounded like a mix between a cow giving birth and a house elf having an orgasm.

That's better.



He was _sexy!_ He was _hot! _He was everything Rodolphus was _not! _She gaped.  
Silky black hair, pale skin, and dark ebony eyes.  
"Great imitation of a fish.", he stated flatly.  
Her eyes gazed to him in awe.  
Then the set changed.

His eyes began to widen as he realized he was lying on a heart shaped bed, surrounded by a rather..._racy _looking room, with rather _racy_ furniture and accessories.

That was all he saw, until he was raped out of his mind and beaten with a wide variety of objects.

_Okay, not exactly what I wanted for this chapter...and the humor wasn't even good at all...and it wasn't random like it should have been...but if there's anyone actually READING this, then I tell you not to worry; the next chapter will be random again._

__


	4. Seagulls and Eternity

_A/N: Welcome to chapter four of anything I've ever written! Don't really know what's gonna happen in this chapter, but once again I was helped idea-wise by my good friend, Silvercatclaws. So..here's the chapter._

Bellatrix looked left. Bellatrix looked right. She spun in a circle and gazed at the blue sky where a random and extremely revoltingly ugly seagull flew. They were back at the beach where it all began, only this time, Bella had imagined a beach in particular instead of just a beach _set_, to save everyone the horror of putting up with such an unimaginable...um...What word, what word? Lesse a mo'...Oooh! Look, it's a seagull!

Voldemort decided not to wake her from her ever repeating train of thoughts as to not disrupt her internal balance. Death Eaters were known for their ruthlessness, not their brains. He sat upon the sandy shore, (this time being actual sand and sea, _not_ some crappy muggle movie set that caused the immensely annoying shrill horror music play from nowhere in particular. This made him wonder; where the hell were they anyway? Surely not heaven, and hell is definitely more...torturous then this.  
But, as the day goes, he was awoken from his deep thoughts by one who barely had the ability to think.

" My Lord!", Bellatrix gushed, "I have come to the conclusion of something very interesting that I believe to be true!"  
He raised an eyebrow. He very much doubted that what she had to say was intelligent at all.  
All the Death Eaters gathered around expectantly and very much astonished. _Bellatrix_ had an _idea?_ The notion was nearly inconceivable. Once everyone was gathered, she began to speak.

"Well", she began, "I have been thinking on this for awhile now. Say, for a moment, that we really _are_ truly dead, and that this is merely a figment of our imagination which began when we all died on the same day. Perhaps we all believe that this is what is the truth, therefore we experience it."

There was a long pause.  
"What?", one of the Death Eaters asked stupidly.  
"What..?", Bellatrix replied, her tone no different then the one just spoken.  
"Huh?" most of them questioned.  
"Dunno."  
There was another long pause where everyone in the present company tried to remember what Bella had just said. Minus his Evilness. He was seeing how long it took them.

Breaking through the long pondering pause like a house elf raping a donkey, Bellatrix burst out Voldemort's fears in one, simple sentence;

"Guess what guys? We're gonna be stuck in the place with _same people_ for ever and ever and ever!."

Surely, a mass murderer who split his soul seven times and tried to kill a baby didn't even deserve _that_ punishment.

_A/N: Okay, possibly even suckier then the previous chapter...THIS makes me want to punch babies even _

_more then the other one did._

YES YES, I know this isn't as crack fic like as the other chapters...but I'm finding it currently easier to write about stupidity and eternity then random nakedness and house-elf orgasms.

Sorry for the royal suckage of this chapter. I am ashamed. 


	5. Pregnancy and Zaphod Beeblebrox

_A/N: Righto then, you useless lot! I'm finally updating again! I was recently whacked in the head with a wand by the inspiration fairy, so my story is not going to the dogs just yet. Mind you, its on its way to the gallows with flying colours, so I may as well update it until that happens. Well, here's the sodding story.  
By the way, the song is : Sexy, naughty, bitchy me by Tata Young._

Bellatrix scrubbed wooden floor of a lovely country home, while the rolling green hills it sat on swayed in a light, warm breeze. She happily hummed as she worked, an old tune her daddy used to sing to her when she was small. It went something like:  
'_I pick  
all my skirts  
to be a little too  
SEXY  
Just like  
all my thoughts,  
they always get a bit  
NAUGHTY  
When I'm out  
with my girls,  
I always play a bit  
BITCHY  
Can't change the way I am  
Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy, me!'  
_  
Voldemort listened bewilderedly as the lovely young woman sang.  
He shuddered, remembering the morning before the sex.  
Such vulgarity.  
He gulped nervously.  
She was crazy.  
She was insane.  
She was off her Satan-spawned rocker.  
She was pregnant.



That's right, ladies and gents, Voldemort, His Evilness, THE Dark Lord, Mister I-Eat-Kittens, somehow got Bellatrix Lestrange, her Evilness, Missus I-Kick-Puppies-AND-Eat-Kittens was pregnant.  
Knocked up.  
Cookies in the oven.  
Straw in the martini.  
Pencil in the pencil-sharpener.  
You get the general idea.

But somehow, this..._wonderful _miracle happened while in _limbo. _  
THEY WERE DEAD.  
How does this happen, you say?  
I'm really not quite sure, considering I'm the author.  
Though, I believe I'm ready to blame Zaphod Beeblebrox and his ship, the Heart of Gold and its Improbability Drive.  
That's probably what did it.

Bellatrix sprung up suddenly, placing her hands lovingly around her unusually, and rather disconcertingly, rapidly thickening belly.

Voldemort didn't really know what to do about his predicament.  
How does a Dark Lard kill a baby that was spawned from two dead people? It was already dead anyway, wasn't it?  
'Suppose she's just pretending and I could just...wish it away', he thought.  
And so, with all his might, he pretended Bella wasn't pregnant, that he was alive, and this was all a very elaborate, sick dream thought up by his enemies.  
He cracked open an eye at a shriek of happiness from Bella.  
Her stomach was even larger than before.  
Voldemort promptly did a 'palm-forehead' and imagined up a giant Harry Potter punching bag.

_A/N: Suckiest chapter EVER. BYE._

_  
_


	6. This story has reached the gallows

_A\N: This chapter is being written with Silvercatclaws at six thirty in the morning with absolutely no sleep what-so-ever. Ah, the perfect recipe for crack fics. Now read it you dirty sods._

Bellatrix was annoyed. She glared at everyone around her and killed them with her eyes. Being pregnant _sucked. _She really wanted a way to transfer her pregnancy to someone. Oh wait, she could.

Running up to Voldemort, she screeched "Here's what it's like, ya snakey bastard!" And suddenly Voldemort was pregnant.

THE END!

Of this chapter.

_A/N: If there's anyone who actually reads this, we'll make it better when we're not high on lack of sleep. _


End file.
